[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
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Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday