Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.