Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.