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@itsbeben11: Shortest Horror Story:
Tomorrow is MONDAY again!
@WGladstone: "She's got legs. She knows how to use them."
"So she's ambulatory then?"
"... I guess?"
"And is that really all you're looking for?"
@Oshungurl: Politics isn't confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.
@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
@JessicaVarsity: I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
@ArfMeasures: ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting