Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Good morning y’all ☀️
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.