Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Waiting for the Charmin
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
this came to me in a vision
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…