People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
.. do you even science?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.