Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Got him!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.