Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*