Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Ugh
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Are you ok, human???
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.