Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
me when the borders lift
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?