Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”