Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
You Might Also Like
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.