Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Home #decor warning.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.