Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.