who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Saw your ex at the shops
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*