Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The cashier just checked me out.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When you’ve simply given up.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”