SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why