SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.