The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Always 🥴
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!