Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.