Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
How it started: How it’s going: