Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.