Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72