@joshgondelman: Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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@david8hughes: Date: what do iguanas eat? Me: no idea, why? Date: you've got 5 of them Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I've no idea what they eat
@bazecraze: Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: Who let the boys out? Me: Woof woof woof! Her: Who let the boys out?! Me: Woof woof woof! Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET! Me: I'm going..
@legendofchelda: I'm vegan now but I'm still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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