Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants