@timdonakowski: Shout out to politicians for keeping the word "folks" alive.
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@BadMikeyBad: I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "You have one call - make it important!" *phone* Me: "I've been arrested for making prank calls." Man: "Who is this?" Me: "Hugh Jass."
@daemonic3: [cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
@beefman138: *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door* Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out! Me : Uh... yeah. The kids.