Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
synchronized noseblowing
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.