@sass_n_ass: Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
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@VerifiedDrunk: Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
@tastefactory: "It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza
@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time