@sass_n_ass: Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
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@ComedicBust: [in a burning building] Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F.. JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
@Dirty_Naomi: 2 Jehovah's witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop. If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me
@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King. THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.