‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*sewing*
A thread
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child