@BBQJones28: Shout out to the dude who's followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
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@david8hughes: [last supper] "Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver." "30." "Sorry Judas?" [sips wine] "I didn't say anything."
@FeelingMervis: Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
@beermanboobs: *crawls into bed naked* *grabs a book* *sips wine* This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.