Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My boss called in sick of me
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes