@GeauxSaints79: 911: I'd like to report a Twief! 911: What? A Twurglar! 911: I don't follow You can't catch em like that. Hurry they're getting stars!

@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"

@weirdralph: The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@whereami18: Make someone's day better by not showing up for work

@Dawn_M_: I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.