Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.