Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.