Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.