Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today