Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks