@KenJennings: Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read
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@superdadatron: *Opens fridge *Sees chocolate bar with a note "please don't eat me". *Eats chocolate bar Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
@Brianhopecomedy: Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.
@CornOnTheGoblin: scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit