@KenJennings: Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read
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@lisaxy424: Me: bedtime! Brain: you're hungry M: no I'm not B: thirsty then M: nope B: uhh sad? M: doing ok B: you forgot to do that thing M: nice try
@matt___nelson: [interrogation] Where were you last night? "Out killing people" Louder for the tape [leans in] "The Cheesecake Factory, that's where I was"
@AmishPornStar1: I long for the days when waking up with a "stiff one" wasn't referring to my lower back.
@SharkJelly: *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*