I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
she has a point
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?