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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I am HOWLING at this