Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.