Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.