Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”