Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You Might Also Like
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭