Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving