@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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@bourgeoisalien: can't believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it's so obvious
@thedad: Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
@ObscureGent: My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
@AimeeHelene1: *picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms* *replaces them with Flintstones vitamins* You looked a little sickly.