Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
What?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
forgive me baja for i have blast
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.