SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Tremendous stuff
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.