[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved