[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am