@omgthatspunny: Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A Flat Miner.
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@DanMentos: *passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
@AndyAsAdjective: Truth or dare? -Truth. Ok, go. -I get sexually aroused by ALF. Okaaaay... -Your turn. Truth or dare? Um...dare. -Put on this ALF costume.
@merewillis: My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, "Look, I got you some flowers." So I put them in a vase of water. #LastLaugh