its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Who’s your best friend?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian