[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
also my go-to takeaway order
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.