I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*