@murrman5: [showing date a picture] that's me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that's us after his accident
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@EJGomez: this toddler on the bus said "the wheels on the bus go round & round" & this guy yelled back "no shit Sherlock" & I can't stop clapping?
@AGreaterMonster: I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn't get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
@ArtConDee: Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT