[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You Might Also Like
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)