[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Fluff me with a fork baby
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.