*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂